Mike has ruined me

Mike has ruined me. Harsh words from a newlywed, I know, but let me explain.

He has ruined me from ever wanting to eat leftovers. I used to love warming up my pot roast or ham casserole, but now the thought of doing so reminds me of being constipated at Disney World. Another words, it just doesn't sound like fun.

Mike hates leftovers, and even more so, any leftover food warmed in a microwave. He says he can taste the radiation. True, that's weird unless he has the most sensitive taste buds ever, but I'm starting to agree with him.

So now on leftover night, I shoot him a text message about 4 p.m., warning of his potential fate, unless he picks up his own dinner. His usual standby is a chicken burrito from Chipolte. Here's the problem: every time he brings his burrito home, I find myself lusting after his food, and super mad that I'm having 1 or 2-day old food. (By the way-If you've never had Chipolte, run, don't walk to your nearest one. The flavor is like a party in your mouth.)

So tonight, I texted him, warning him of the impending doom with leftover roast and potatoes. He texted back, saying, "Perhaps I'll pick up Chipolte."

I thought for a minute and sent back this text, "Shoot, that sounds good. Will you pick me up a steak burrito too with a little bit of sour cream?"

He texted back, "But who's going to eat leftovers?"

I texted back, "Not it!"

So that, my friends, is why I've been ruined. I may never want leftovers again. Maybe that's why we need kids....they can help clean out the fridge!




Perhaps the weirdest book out there

For one of my Bachelorette parties, I got this book called "101 Ways To Torture Your Husband." I expected it to be a light-hearted book about how to playfully joke with, or tease your hubbie. I left it on our ottoman, and when Mike picked it up and read some of it, he was shocked. He asked me, "What is this crap you're reading?." I said it was no big deal, but when I started reading it, I too, was disturbed.

The author offers up seriously awful ways to indeed torture your husband. I'm not quite sure how she doesn't get sued and/or a ton of hate mail. Considering I once got an e-mail from a woman who said she hated my brown sweater so much, she now considered me kind of "trashy". (Keep in mind it was from Target and really conservative. Weird.)

Here are some suggestions in this book...

(Beware, what you're about to read is disturbing)

* "Lose" His Dog- The author, Maria Garcia Kalb, suggests you call your hubby, and in a panicked voice say, "Oh my god! The dog ran away when I opened the door, and I can't find him anywhere!" She says after he flips out, you can let him in the joke, and laugh about it. (Weird, and not at all funny to me. You?)

* "Flirt With His Friends"- The author says this is a great punishment for any "jealous" fella, but should probably be reserved as payback for something he did, like hitting on one of your friends. She even breaks it down into steps, like you should first decide which of your husband's friends is the hottest. (I don't think Mike would be impressed, and that might cause us to have the shortest marriage on record. Not counting Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman, of course.)

* "Threaten to 'get him' in his sleep"- The author thinks the ball will definitely be in your court if you play mind games with your husband, such as saying, "Just wait until you fall asleep; you have no idea what I could do to you." She advises to scare the bejesus out of him and tell him you're going to get him after he drifts off. (Considering I watch every crime show, Forensic File and CSI, this would really scare Mike.) The author does includes little side notes about real-life warnings about crimes involving these scenarios. Apparently a Florida woman is locked up because she poured hot grease on her sleeping husband. Ouch.

* "Have lunch with your ex"- Kalb says a surefire way of torturing your husband is eating with your ex-boyfriend because it will make your husband "crazier than Mel Gibson on a bender." The author admits she keeps a couple of exes around, not because she likes them, she says they actually repulse her, but she feels like it's good ammunition.

* "Nair His Hair"-Kalb recommends you "pounce" when your hubbie is asleep, applying hair removal products "liberally" to his face, legs, arms, chest, or wherever is hair is present.

Okay, okay, so you get the idea. There are 96 other suggestions in this book, which I think should be re-named, "101 Ways to Get Divorced Quickly, Threatened Often and Arrested Too."




Getting married in your 30's vs. 20's

I'm not just saying this because I was on the verge of becoming an old maid, but I think getting married in your 30's has a lot of advantages over getting married in your 20's. I'll admit, I have a ton of friends who happily got married in their 20's, and now have a few darling kids (some of my friends have 15 year-olds. Yikes!), and they are super happy. But I realize when I went to their weddings, I was the worst wedding guest ever because I had no idea about wedding etiquette and gifts, and I'm sure I wasn't the only one.

Here was what I thought.... a) That me being there was a present enough, so I never got them anything. If I did get them a gift, it was usually the cheapest thing on their registry. b) I never RSVP'd, because I figured they just knew if I was coming or not coming, and c) I never really appreciated their centerpieces, flowers or anything else. I just got really drunk if they had an open bar.

If you think about it though, for people who get married in college, or right afterwards, we are all really poor and can't rub two pennies together. It wasn't like I was trying to be cheap, but my reality was making $14,000 a year at my first television job. Now, our friends are established, most have great jobs, and are much more educated in wedding etiquette.

For our wedding, I can't believe the amazing gifts and amounts of money our friends are giving! (Now that shouldn't matter, but it really does.) Many of our friends clearly tried to give back what they know we spent per person for the wedding. I just think that's really cool and thoughtful.

To my friends who got married in their 20's, (like Jennifer McClintic-you're the first to come to mind:), I'm sorry I was the worst wedding guest ever! If you renew your vows, I'm totally getting you a great gift. (That is, if I get a great job by then. Otherwise, it looks like plastic salt and pepper shakers are comin' your way!)




Your wedding day could be...ugly!

When you start planning your wedding, you buy every wedding magazine or how-to book within arm's reach. You just know that Martha Stewart (albeit, single) can give you the right tips for the perfect day.

A couple of months ago, I realized there is a really strange trend when it comes to wedding dresses and accessories: they're ugly. Look at these examples! Seriously?? Yes, Mama Mays sometimes made me wear a swimming cap during my Kentucky summer visits to her pool, but it didn't start my dream towards wearing a jewel-encrusted cap when I got older and married Prince Charming. True, it would have cut down on my getting ready time by hours, but I'm pretty sure I would have felt more ready to do a couple of laps, rather than saying, "I do." And yes, I'm already pale, so you can bet that I'm not going to have white make-up put all over me for an "Asian theme."

True, Wyoming gets a little chilly at night (think 40's,) but imagine the guest's reaction if I walked out with this poofy, whip-cream topping-ish wrap. I guess the question of where I should put my Kleenex would be solved with this monstrosity, because it looks like I could hide small children in there.

And yet, the sad reality is these dresses and accessories probably cost more than anything I own.

The best wedding present, ever!

Okay, so there are wedding presents, and there is the wedding present. I'm talking about the best gift you'll receive in honor of your nuptials, and one that keeps a smile on your face long after the ceremony is done.

For me, that present is an autographed 8x10 glossy photo of WISH-TV's Dave Barras, hand delivered by Indianapolis' favorite newsman himself! He wrote on it, "Jeannie and Mike, May your marriage last as long as my smile! This is the best gift you'll ever get. Congratulations, Dave."

Why this present is sooo cool, is because Dave is the most popular news anchor on the cosmos, and the waiting list to get one of his glossies is now about 8 years. Luckily, Mike and I got moved up on the list because of the wedding, so we only had to wait about 4 1/2 years.

Indianapolis news fans surely know the story behind this glossy pic. For years, Dave has joked on air about just how many people want his glossy photo, so they can't keep them stocked, hence why there is a waiting list. What makes this so funny, is that Dave is one of the nicest and funniest guys I've ever worked with in television. He's the most humble news personality I know, and doesn't have an ounce of ego is his whole body.

Blah, blah, enough about Dave...now back to the real issue at hand. I can't yet decide where in the house to put it!

I like to have Dave on the patio to make the neighbors jealous, plus I feel like for a man who was raised in Chicago, it's only fitting that he overlooks the city. Don't worry, I turn him every 1/2 hour so he doesn't burn.

However, if it gets too windy, I like to put him in our bedroom. (Buckeye likes to sit next to him too.) Don't worry, I turn Dave and have him face the wall if I'm doing something he shouldn't be seeing, like changing.

Next up for Dave's pic? Ebay. I'm just sure we can re-coup most of what we spent on the wedding by auctioning this off. Please, don't let Dave know.




The wedding that never was...

How fun is it that when we were leaving for the wedding and got to O'Hare, we discovered that Mike's cousins Jess and Mandy, and Mandy's boyfriend, Jim, were on the same flight! That's how we captured this moment of no turning back. You'd think that if either Mike or I were having second thoughts about getting married, we'd speak up then.

Some people really do wait until the last moment though. Come to find out, there was another wedding scheduled for July 3rd in Jackson, WY, at the same hotel we were staying in and had our rehearsal dinner. Apparently the night before, the bride called the whole thing off after finding out the groom had a stripper at his Bachelor Party. Just like that, and she was done! Like, "Sorry to everyone who just spent hundreds or thousands of dollars to get here, but a stripper at my fiance's Bachelor Party is an unforgivable sin!" Funny, I encouraged Mike to get one at his. He didn't seem too interested, probably because I brought it up.

My opinion: the stripper is just a really lame excuse for a deeper issue. The bride was probably having doubts before.

However, I feel there could be circumstances for calling off the wedding a day or two before, like these....

* Your groom tells you he's been thinking a lot about his groomsman Tom, and would like to "explore those feelings"

* Your groom tells you he indeed had a stripper at his Bachelor Party, and he recognized her as his First Wife. Oh yeah, and he found out they have a child together too.

* Your groom tells you he can't get the stripper that danced at his Bachelor Party out of his mind, and he thinks he and "Cookie," may be soul mates

* Your groom constantly talks about Twilight, and says he just can't decide between "Team Edward!" or "Team Jacob!"

Other than that, it looks like you'll need to suck it up, or in my case, suck it in, and put on your pretty dress!




Honeymoon Hell

As the new hubby and I were driving back from our honeymoon, we saw every couple's worst nightmare: a flashing sign warning us of construction up ahead with 60 minute delays. 60! Sure, there are plenty of times I've sat in a construction mess for a full hour, but no one ever had the heart to warn me beforehand it would be that long. They usually just tacked up a "10 minute" delay sign and called it good for their conscience.

Along with the warning, we were told of a detour we could take instead. Yes! Sign us up!

So we exited off of I-57 somewhere near Marion, Illinois. For the next 75 minutes, we meandered slowly on country roads with plenty of stop signs and slow old men driving. (Seriously, they survived a depression, fighting in a war and raising kids, but going 30 miles per hour scares them? Weird.)

After passing cornfields and farming country, I'm pretty sure I know where most of America's food comes from. Finally, as we approached a 4-way stop, the orange detour sign showed that we could continue going on the road we were on, or go back to I-57. What? We have choices?? We didn't know what to do, but we decided getting back to the interstate would probably be faster. When we got there we merged on, and to our pleasant surprise, traffic was moving along nicely.

Then, it was every driver's worst nightmare. (Are you appreciating my overused television news cliches?) We saw the sign again, warning us of the 60-minute delay. Apparently our 75-minute detour put us exactly in the war zone. So I did what you should never do....I popped a U-ee on the interstate, and went back to our detour. Mike was cheering me on and excited by my new found aggressiveness. (And yep, I definitely had Sweaty 'Pits.)

We then spent another hour and a half driving on slow country roads. Apparently the fine folks of Benton, Illinois didn't get the traffic memo, and decided to hold their car and truck show in the town square right smack dab in the middle of the detour. Needless to say, it was slow going. So slow, I finally had to merge our SUV in with Hell's Angels bike riders, or else we were never going to move. I actually think the "don't screw with me" look on my face intimidated them.

I'm looking at the bright side though--I can finally check seeing the "Benton, Illinois Car Show" off my bucket list. Thank you, Illinois DOT.