Two-Wheeled Death Machines

In Chicago, you quickly learn a few survival skills.

1.  Cabs and city buses make sharp turns, so never have your feet out close to the curb.  You will lose a toe.
2. If a homeless person is yelling at you and calling you nasty names, realize they aren't really mad at you, it's more the world as a whole.  Don't make eye contact and walk away.
3. Don't assume just because the light tells you it's okay to walk that it actually is.  Look up, and wait for 3-4 cars to run the red light, and then you can walk.
4. Finally, always stay out of the way of bicyclists.

There are three words to describe Chicago bike riders: crazy, insane a-holes.  (Sorry Grandma.)  

My experience with riding a bike has always been a peaceful one.  Either I was riding along the banks of Sanibel Island or the bike trails of Wyoming.  You can hear the birds sing and you feel a new zest for life.  In Chicago, bike riders could care less about the birds, zest, or you.  They will whiz by going 90 miles an hour, not caring about any pedestrian, child or animal.  They will come so close to your body, they surely can smell your breath and know what you ate for breakfast.  They come so close, your arm hair flaps in the wind and your ponytail smacks them in the face.

So many times a bicyclist has come so close to me, that I jump and then yell a profanity.  Them startling me is surely taking years off of my life.

Here's the thing bicycle riders:  You chose to live in Chicago, a city of millions that you know is busy, so don't act like you can race your bike Lance Armstrong style.  Also, it would be nice if every now and again you said things like "On your left" so people don't poop themselves when you whiz by.   And know that if you hit me with your two-wheeled death machine, it's probably going to hurt you just as much when you go flying over the handlebars.