Getting ready for labor

 

There is a strange time in a woman's life when her due date is just a week away and she is excited scared as hell. For me, that time is now.

My due date is one week from this Friday and it's really the craziest time. As a first time mom (to a two-legged baby anyway) every kick, contraction and cramp is a new experience and I'm not exactly sure what to expect. My emotions go from thinking I'm going to kick butt during labor to what the heck was I thinking and is it too late to get my money back? 

Every night I've been reading books trying to prepare for both labor and just general baby stuff like what color his poop needs to be. Who knew an 8-pound creature could be so high maintenance? Apparently I need to feed him every few hours which then leads to burping and diaper changes, so essentially I'll be working around the clock to make sure he's happy. (I'm really starting to question if I'm still going to be able to sleep in and have time to watch Real Housewives of NYC.)

Along with the high maintenance stuff, apparently the kid is going to be kind of, well, weird looking at first. In one of my books, they describe the way a newborn looks and it doesn't sound good. Here are some examples:

• Oddly shaped head- It sounds like the trip down the birth canal is as traumatic to a baby's head as it is to his mother's lady parts, so he may come out looking like this...

    

• Vernix caseosa coating- In layman's terms: he'll likely be coated with a cheesy substance and I'm guessing it's not the kind you want to dip a cracker in.
• Swelling of the gentials- Not only will he likely have large man parts, he may have swollen breasts that could leak a white or pink substance. (I'm totally telling his prom date about this.)
• Lanugo- His whole body could be covered in hair. But this might not be a bad thing--perhaps this way, his brother and sister will accept him as one of their own. 

• Puffy eyes- Apparently swimming around in amniotic fluid for 9 months has the same effect for him as a night of drinking and eating salty foods has on me. Oh, and the problem is made worse by the ointment they slather on to protect his eyes from infection. But this is actually a helpful beauty tip-- never put Vaseline on your under eye bags. Got it.
• Birthmarks and skin lesions- I guess this means he may come out looking like a little tiny meth user.

Can you believe with this kind of description there are still 7 billion people on the planet? Can you imagine trying to sell anything else this way? Like the 2004 Chevy you're interested in buying is going to have a lot of dings and scrapes, it will smell like a 10-day old burrito and you'll have to service it 24-hours a day. Sound good?