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Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Moms I don't like

I'm now the mom to two boys (two! yikes), a 4-year old son Jack and a 4-month old son Will. As I'm spending more time with other parents and kids through daycare, preschool, countless playground visits and weekend activities, I've realized there are a lot of moms I just don't like.

I know, I know, these are the things we're supposed to think and not say. But I'm sleep deprived and sassy AF this week, so I'm breaking down the worst offenders in this VERY important round-up of the most annoying moms. This is not fake news, people.

The Overreacting To Injuries Mom

We've all seen it...the kid stubs his toe on the playground and the mom falls apart. She runs in a movie-like slow motion yelling and pushing everyone out of the way. "Oh my gaaaawwwwddddd Blane, are you okay? Mommy's here!!!!!"

The two embrace and Blane-- who WAS perfectly fine-- is now crying because his mom is freaking his shit out.

The mom screams "Can anyone find a doctor, I think he might lose this toe!"

Then the reality kicks in that all kids fall daily (and bleed just as often) and Blane is going to be just fine (for now), but we all know Blane is going to grow up to be the biggest pussy in school. (Sorry, too harsh?)

The Cheerleader Mom

This is the mom who goes over the top to tell her child how great he is, therefore, ensuring in 20 years he's going to be the guy that every. single. girl avoids in the bars because he'll grow up thinking he is the best.

You know this type of mom. Anytime the kids does ANYTHING, mama cheers with the kind of enthusiasm usually only seen by tween girls at Justin Bieber concerts.

The kid kicks the ball at soccer? "Well done Oscar!!!!!" The kid stands where he's supposed to? "Nice job Blake!!!!" The kid does a pee in the potty (even though he's 6), "You rock Graham!"

Oscar, Blake, poor little dudes. Life is going to be a big ol' slap in the face.

The MIA Mom

This is the mom who is apparently unaware that her child has been able to use his lit cigarette to start a fire in the playground.

Perhaps she's got her face buried in her iPhone updating her Facebook status or she's hiding in her car for a few quiet moments to enjoy her flask of whiskey...I guess we'll never know.

The craziest story I heard of an MIA mom involved a 6 or 7-year-old boy on a New York City playground who had pulled his pants down and was waving his man parts around, attempting to pee on anyone who came near. Kids, parents, park didn't matter, his penis believed in equal rights for all.

Other moms, who were clearly horrified, spent a solid 10 minutes trying to find the MIA mother.

They never did.

I can guarantee if either of my boys uses the playground as the site of his Chippendales tryout, I'll be shutting that down faster than Kim Kardashian's first or second marriage. (Betcha you didn't know Kanye is lucky #3. That could be a Jeopardy question someday. You're welcome.)

The Raising a Mike Tyson Wannabe Mom

Some boys are just violent dickheads. Okay, there I said it. You'll be enjoying a nice summer day at the playground or a sports activity, and this boy (and often his equally awful siblings) are inflicting as much pain as possible onto the other kids.

Here are the common scenarios: Perhaps another kid is on the swing Mike wants? That deserves a punch.

Or maybe another kid is trying to go down the slide before Mike? That deserves a karate chop to the face.

The kids are violent and their mothers clearly have no control over the situation. No bueno. The only fights I want to see are on the Real Housewives.

The Empty Threats Mom

Let's say Mike Tyson's mom IS trying to get her son to calm down and not be so violent or pay attention to (insert various activities here) but the kid is not. having. it. So she threatens that they have to leave.

But said behavior doesn't change.

So she threatens to leave again.


And threatens again.

Well, you get it. Empty Threats Mom, I'm afraid you've just been played, sucka'.


In recapping this important blog post, I'm realizing that all of my scenarios involve boys. I am the mom to two boys, so I don't know what it's like to raise girls, but I couldn't help but wonder (yes, you should be reading that in Carrie Bradshaw's voice) are boys just more difficult to raise???

Oy vey.

(My boys. Mostly cool.)

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