The big news story today, of course, is that Duchess Kate Middleton delivered a healthy baby boy at a London hospital. As a news writer for a New York television station, I can tell you having her go into labor this morning was like a little gift from the TV news gods who know how hard it is to fill a Monday morning show.
All day, I've wondered what it must have been like in the labor room. Since Kate is such a beautifully composed and elegant person, I'm guessing her delivery was a calm and serene experience with only the prettiest of bodily fluids being gently brushed underneath her petticoat.
What is it about Kate Middleton that seems so perfect? Along with the fact that she's NEVER taken a bad photo in her life, she also seems like the kind of woman who doesn't have to worry about putting her foot in her mouth or doing something embarrassing. Right? Here is my "purely hypothetical" list of what makes Duchess Kate better than all of us...
* I'm guessing Kate Middleton has never been surprised by a fart that turned out to be oh- so-much-more that she anticipated. (I'm also guessing she has never blamed the fart in question on her dog.)
* I bet she's never yelled "EXCUSE YOU!" to an annoying kid on the subway, only to discover everyone, including the kid's family, was staring right at her.
* I bet Duchess Kate has never decided to undo that one top button on her pants just to give herself a little breathing room, and then forgotten about that undone button for say, 8 or 9 hours.
* I'm guessing the future queen has never been called a "Bitchy White Woman" or seen a man peeing on the streets.
* I bet she's never tried to avoid shaking hands with people after she ran out of Purell or done the "sniff test" on her laundry.
* I'm guessing Kate has never fought for a table at a bar or plowed into someone with her purse because they wouldn't get out of her way.
* I'm also guessing the Duchess has never "drip-dried" in a public restroom or lost her patience with her mother.
* And I'm guessing Kate Middleton has never slapped Prince William's fanny as he walked by just because he has the "cutest little butt" or stepped in his pee on the bathroom floor after a night out with his "chaps."
Congratulations to William and Kate! I'm guessing raising a baby will be much easier with an entire country on your side.
What is it about Kate Middleton that seems so perfect? Along with the fact that she's NEVER taken a bad photo in her life, she also seems like the kind of woman who doesn't have to worry about putting her foot in her mouth or doing something embarrassing. Right? Here is my "purely hypothetical" list of what makes Duchess Kate better than all of us... * I'm guessing Kate Middleton has never been surprised by a fart that turned out to be oh- so-much-more that she anticipated. (I'm also guessing she has never blamed the fart in question on her dog.)
* I bet she's never yelled "EXCUSE YOU!" to an annoying kid on the subway, only to discover everyone, including the kid's family, was staring right at her.
* I bet Duchess Kate has never decided to undo that one top button on her pants just to give herself a little breathing room, and then forgotten about that undone button for say, 8 or 9 hours.
* I'm guessing the future queen has never been called a "Bitchy White Woman" or seen a man peeing on the streets.
* I bet she's never tried to avoid shaking hands with people after she ran out of Purell or done the "sniff test" on her laundry.
* I'm guessing Kate has never fought for a table at a bar or plowed into someone with her purse because they wouldn't get out of her way.
* I'm also guessing the Duchess has never "drip-dried" in a public restroom or lost her patience with her mother.
* And I'm guessing Kate Middleton has never slapped Prince William's fanny as he walked by just because he has the "cutest little butt" or stepped in his pee on the bathroom floor after a night out with his "chaps."
Congratulations to William and Kate! I'm guessing raising a baby will be much easier with an entire country on your side.
Kate Middleton has something that didn't come with royalty, and that's class. Bright Lights Sweaty Armpits, and let's not forget Sweaty Butt Cracks, too, not so fortunate. She only has crass.
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