It's official!

It's official!
David Stubbs Photography

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Pregnancy symptoms

When I was a kid, I remembering watching those "I didn't know I was pregnant" interviews on Oprah and Phil Donahue. You know the ones--the women claimed they had no idea they were expecting until their water broke on the New York subway and voila, they delivered a healthy 8-pound baby right there on the 1-line. They explained that they didn't have any symptoms, and at the time, I thought that totally made sense.

Fast forward to now. As a woman who is 8.5 months pregnant with a little boy kicking in my belly non-stop and every part of my body aching, I think-- there's no frickin' way.

It's funny, because I was just thinking about these oblivious women recently when another one made headlines. Mandy Bachelor of Indiana had just finished an eight hour shift at the assembly plant she worked at when surprise! Faster than John Travolta could mutter the name Adele Dazeem, Bachelor was pushing out a baby boy versus the gallstones she thought were causing so much pain. Oddly enough, this was Bachelor's 4th child, so it's not like this was her first rodeo.

When I heard this story, I thought it would be a good time to do a public service announcement of sorts. I'll explain all the crazy things that happen when you get pregnant so perhaps Mrs. Bachelor and all the other women out there will know the next time. You're welcome.

1) Number one--you know your pregnant when your belly goes from this to this...

Now, I know we've all had a big lunch and felt like we were more bloated than normal, but a pregnant belly is vastly different from any Taco Bell belly. It's super hard and it has distinctive lines where it begins and ends. A Taco Bell belly is a bit more jiggly and that kicking sensation you feel usually goes away after a day.

2) Number two--you know you're pregnant when your farts could clear out a room. Heck, they could clear out a small country and should be registered as weapons of mass destruction.

3) Number three- you know you're pregnant when your eating habits mirror that of a 13-year old boy. Apple Jack's, Captain Crunch, Capri Suns, Fruit name it. Oh, and you want to eat these delicious teen treats 22-hours a day.

4) Number four- you know you're pregnant when you're walking in Central Park and all of a sudden you feel the intense urge to vomit. You then have to squat behind a tree to bid adieu to your Apple Jack's and Captain Crunch in front of all the tourists walking by. (Purely hypothetical story, by the way.)

5) Number five- you know you're pregnant when you look down at your belly and see this...

I'm really not sure how you could mistake a baby's kicks for anything else. Sure, we've all had that dinner that didn't agree with us, but I'm pretty sure I've never felt a burrito kicking my bladder.

6) Number six- This is a pretty good one know you're pregnant when co-workers and strangers on the subway exclaim, "Oh, you're pregnant! When are you due??" This is when you might want to take notice of the fact that you might not just be bloated.

7) Number seven- You know you're pregnant when your habits mirror that of a 90-year old man. You grunt while getting up, you grunt while sitting down, you grunt while putting on pants and you have to have your spouse take off your shoes.

8) Number eight- You know you're pregnant when you cry at everything. Verizon Wireless commercials normally aren't so sad.

9) Number nine- You know you're pregnant when you have to ask the person behind you to give you a big push so you can get onto the crosstown bus.

10) Number ten- You know you're pregnant when you want to take the chicken wing the person is eating next to you on the subway and smack them across the face with it because good lord that thing stinks.

No comments:

Post a Comment