Dating in 2010

Dating in 2010 sucks.  True, I haven't been on a first date since January 4, 2004, but I'm there for all my friends who are trying to navigate the shark-infested waters of dating.  Today one of my girlfriends is heartbroken, trying to figure out why she and her boyfriend of a year broke up.  To me, I see she's the total package...beautiful, smart, funny, energetic...so it's hard to understand why he ended it.

Nearly everyday I see my girlfriends crying because their guy won't call or suddenly seems disinterested.  I see my guy friends get their hearts broken when the girls they are interested in flirt with someone else at the bar.  I see couples who I thought were cute together, fall apart because one of them "isn't ready."

So here's Jeannie's dating advice for men and women....please have your credit cards ready.

Women:
* Crying a lot is just annoying.  At first, men may give you attention because they feel bad, but sooner or later you'll annoy them and all your girlfriends.  The only thing that should make you cry is a really good shoe sale.
 * Allow your man to live his own life.  Clinginess is like wearing socks with sandals.  Sure it's not illegal, but it doesn't make sense.
* Live your own life!  Doing your own thing like Yoga classes or going out with girlfriends is WAY more appealing than always being available.
* Don't always ask what he's thinking about.  (It's taking me years to learn this.)  Men really don't want to talk about their emotions.  If they're being quiet, bring up something they want to talk about like football/beer/brats/Megan Fox.

Men:
* The grass is not always greener.  Sure, it may be fun to date around and break hearts of women who aren't quite perfect enough for you.  Just remember...when you're balding and have a beer gut...playing the field will be much harder.
* Call already!  No, women don't want to wait a week to hear from you.  If you like her, call/text/tweet her...now!
* Don't act like a jerk.  Despite many who will say otherwise, women don't like to be with douches.
* Don't be afraid to settle down.  Having a good woman to come home to is WAY more appealing than your former frat buddies who fart and scratch.

If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

Dancing With the "Stars"

I woke up this morning to breaking news: The cast for season 11 of "Dancing With the Stars" has been announced!  It includes Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation", Audrina Patridge from The Hills, Bristol Palin and David Hasselhoff.

Wait, who are the stars?

Somewhere along the way, America has confused people with actual talent with people who fight and pull hair on reality TV.  Jersey Shore is a show about guidos and guidettes from the East Coast who tease their hair, make-out a lot, bring nasty girls home and get into bar fights.  Mike "The Situation" is "famous" for his rock-hard abs and for saying things like, GTL, which stands for Gym, Tan, Laundry (the three things he does daily.)  Sadly I just read that The Situation will take home $5 million this year, and an estimated $10 million next year for his reality shows, clothing line, and appearances.  What are we thinking people??  This guy will make more than doctors and teachers just for working out.  Sheesh.

Luckily Audrina Patridge will be dancing and not talking, because if you ever saw The Hills, you know she can't put two words together.  But putting Bristol Palin on, the single mother who's been engaged twice to a douche bag, is just what America needs!

Maybe David Hasselhoff can start off his dancing by eating a cheeseburger off of the floor.

Wow, well at least Carol Brady, a.k.a. Florence Henderson, has also been cast.  Maybe her squeaky clean image can clean up the rest of the dirt on the show.

Click here to see the entire cast.

Bloodied and bruised

I did something this weekend I never want to do again.  I did something that left me scarred...literally and figuratively.  I did something that left me bruised and battered.  I walked 2.06 miles in 3-inch high heels.

My girlfriend Holly was in Chicago this weekend, so on Friday night we decided to get dolled up and put on our best high heels.  We walked to dinner at Friends Sushi restaurant at Rush and Superior.  (Side note: This is hands down the best Sushi in Chicago.  The "Friends" roll will make you cry happy tears.  I'm pretty sure it could unite the Shiites and Sunnis.)

I've realized for the past year, I've gone from wearing high-heels to only wearing flat boots, winter boots, tennis shoes and flip flops.  That's it.  I want a comfortable shoe I can easily walk 2-6 miles a day in.  I also want to be able to pass tourists left and right, and be able to run when my crosswalk gives me the "3-seconds left" message.  Sure, Carrie and the gang looked smokin' hot when they wore Manolo's around NYC, but that's not practically AT All.  On any given day I have to walk over uneven sidewalks, cigarette butts, vomit, dog pee and homeless man pee...so I'm not wearing $400 high heels.

So I've realized while I enjoy having on the cutest tops and designer jeans, my shoes will be remain ugly and practical, and I'm okay with that.

High-rise living does not equal friends

I thought when we moved into a 46-story high rise, we would instantly meet new people.  Soon we'd be having dinner parties with our neighbors, joking about our college days and instantly become "besties."  I thought I'd be going to lunch with the girls on my floor and talking about the funny quirks of our husbands or boyfriends.  I thought our floor would be much like my dorm floor, and we'd all keep our doors open and jam to some N'Sync.

Sadly, after nearly a year here, I can say my only true friend is our doorman, Fred.  He's so sweet!  Other than that, nothing.

Yesterday I realized our neighbor, whom we share a patio wall with, was moving out.  I saw her in the hallway, and this was the extent of our conversation...
Me: "Oh, so you're moving out?"
Her: "Yep."

That was it.  I couldn't even say we'd miss her, because that wouldn't be the truth.  I don't even know her name.  Sadly, I know her Puggle is named Oliver, but that's about it.  If you put our neighbors and their dogs in a line-up, I'd know more of the dogs than the humans.

The weird thing is, I hardly ever seen anyone on our floor.  This seems crazy to me, because we all have dogs, and are therefore taking them out throughout the day and night.  I didn't even know our neighbors right across the hall had moved out until one day I saw a Golden Retriever coming out of the apartment instead of a Weimaraner.  I didn't even recognize his owners!  Pathetic.

The next test will be in a couple of months when we move into more of a neighborhood in Lincoln Park.  If I don't make friends with our neighbors there, I'll know it must be my social skills.

And to our doorman Fred: I really will miss you.

Two-Wheeled Death Machines

In Chicago, you quickly learn a few survival skills.

1.  Cabs and city buses make sharp turns, so never have your feet out close to the curb.  You will lose a toe.
2. If a homeless person is yelling at you and calling you nasty names, realize they aren't really mad at you, it's more the world as a whole.  Don't make eye contact and walk away.
3. Don't assume just because the light tells you it's okay to walk that it actually is.  Look up, and wait for 3-4 cars to run the red light, and then you can walk.
4. Finally, always stay out of the way of bicyclists.

There are three words to describe Chicago bike riders: crazy, insane a-holes.  (Sorry Grandma.)  

My experience with riding a bike has always been a peaceful one.  Either I was riding along the banks of Sanibel Island or the bike trails of Wyoming.  You can hear the birds sing and you feel a new zest for life.  In Chicago, bike riders could care less about the birds, zest, or you.  They will whiz by going 90 miles an hour, not caring about any pedestrian, child or animal.  They will come so close to your body, they surely can smell your breath and know what you ate for breakfast.  They come so close, your arm hair flaps in the wind and your ponytail smacks them in the face.

So many times a bicyclist has come so close to me, that I jump and then yell a profanity.  Them startling me is surely taking years off of my life.

Here's the thing bicycle riders:  You chose to live in Chicago, a city of millions that you know is busy, so don't act like you can race your bike Lance Armstrong style.  Also, it would be nice if every now and again you said things like "On your left" so people don't poop themselves when you whiz by.   And know that if you hit me with your two-wheeled death machine, it's probably going to hurt you just as much when you go flying over the handlebars.

Life lesson

I'm not going to lie, it's been a stressful 24 hours. At the risk of sounding morbid, I thought it might be the end of me, and I was mad because things are really starting to get good.

To make a long story short, during a routine exam yesterday, my doc thought she found a polyp on my uterus. It could have been nothing, but it also could have made me infertile, or it could have been cancer.

Wow. As a newlywed who's really enjoying life, I didn't expect that kind of news.

I decided not to feel sorry for myself though, instead I was going to fight this and really live life to the fullest. I went into today for a follow-up with a renewed zest for life.

During today's ultrasound, the doctor discovered I am totally fine, that yesterday's finding must have been a fluke, or perhaps misread information from the ultrasound tech.

Wow.

Lesson learned: this thing called life goes by way too fast, and can be taken from you quickly. Enjoy each day, surround yourself with good and upbeat people, exercise, love, laugh often, and don't be afraid to take risks.

(Side note: I think it's time to try and get my first book published. No more fear of rejection.)

To regift or not to regift-you decide

To regift or not to regift, that is the question. I say yes, Mike says no, and thus begins our first disagreement of marriage (and when I say first, I mean first this week.) Just kidding!

Here's the thing: when you get married, not everyone will give you money or something on your registry. They'll go off the list and buy you something else. This worked for the awesome panini maker we got, because I didn't even think of registering for that. It also worked for the awesome gifts my friend Jennifer got us from wine country in California. She either guessed correctly, or knew from our registry, that our primary house colors are black and white, and she totally rocked some very cool Tapas gifts.

But it doesn't always work when your friends and family haven't taken into consideration the following things a) you live in a 660-square foot apartment and hardly have room for two Chihuahuas, let alone large serving dishes or large party platters b) you like the color gold, but only in jewelry, not really in house decorations and c) you live in Chicago, not a Wyoming farmhouse, so there's really no room to throw parties with the perfect nut dishes.

(Disclaimer-I hope by now, you know my sarcastic humor, and I say this in good fun. I'm totally appreciative of everything we received. We have so much to be thankful for.)

Now, that being said, I think it's perfectly okay to regift. I'd rather have the gift get used, otherwise it will sit in our closet for the next five years until we finally give it to Goodwill.

Did you know there's actually a regifting website?? Here are suggestions from regiftable.com.

Is the gift regiftable? Never regift handmade or one-of-a-kind items. Signed books and monogrammed items are off-limits. Do you have to be told not to regift free promotional items? Some gifts that are good candidates for regifting include good (unopened!) bottles of wine, new household items and inexpensive jewelry.

How is the condition? Only new, unopened gifts in good condition should be considered for regifting. Never give partially used gift cards. Don’t give items that you have owned for a long time. A general rule of thumb: if you have to dust it off, it is not regiftable.

Is this going to work? Successful regifters use common sense. If you are going to regift, be sure you know who gave you the item, so you don’t return something to the original giver. Only regift items to people who are not likely to see the original giver.

Do you have good intentions? Don’t just give a gift to give a gift. Be sure that the recipient will appreciate the item. Remember, if you feel that an item is undesirable, the recipient probably will too. If you are regifting simply because you ran out of time, gift cards are simple to obtain and always well received.

How does it look? When it comes to gift-giving, go for show! While gift bags in good condition can be reused, wrapping paper is a one-time thing. Always spring for a new card or gift tag.

Can you handle it? If you don’t plan to announce the gift as a regift, ask yourself if you can keep the secret. Never feel guilty about regifting once you’ve done it.

Have you considered your options? An unwanted gift could be a welcome donation to a charitable organization. It is also an option to suck it up and keep an unwanted gift—after all, it was a gift.

What are your thoughts? I'd love your comments on whether or not it's okay to regift. (Don't even try and tell me you wouldn't regift these clogs.)