Pregnancy symptoms

When I was a kid, I remembering watching those "I didn't know I was pregnant" interviews on Oprah and Phil Donahue. You know the ones--the women claimed they had no idea they were expecting until their water broke on the New York subway and voila, they delivered a healthy 8-pound baby right there on the 1-line. They explained that they didn't have any symptoms, and at the time, I thought that totally made sense.

Fast forward to now. As a woman who is 8.5 months pregnant with a little boy kicking in my belly non-stop and every part of my body aching, I think-- there's no frickin' way.

It's funny, because I was just thinking about these oblivious women recently when another one made headlines. Mandy Bachelor of Indiana had just finished an eight hour shift at the assembly plant she worked at when surprise! Faster than John Travolta could mutter the name Adele Dazeem, Bachelor was pushing out a baby boy versus the gallstones she thought were causing so much pain. Oddly enough, this was Bachelor's 4th child, so it's not like this was her first rodeo.

When I heard this story, I thought it would be a good time to do a public service announcement of sorts. I'll explain all the crazy things that happen when you get pregnant so perhaps Mrs. Bachelor and all the other women out there will know the next time. You're welcome.

1) Number one--you know your pregnant when your belly goes from this to this...

Now, I know we've all had a big lunch and felt like we were more bloated than normal, but a pregnant belly is vastly different from any Taco Bell belly. It's super hard and it has distinctive lines where it begins and ends. A Taco Bell belly is a bit more jiggly and that kicking sensation you feel usually goes away after a day.

2) Number two--you know you're pregnant when your farts could clear out a room. Heck, they could clear out a small country and should be registered as weapons of mass destruction.

3) Number three- you know you're pregnant when your eating habits mirror that of a 13-year old boy. Apple Jack's, Captain Crunch, Capri Suns, Fruit Roll-Ups...you name it. Oh, and you want to eat these delicious teen treats 22-hours a day.

4) Number four- you know you're pregnant when you're walking in Central Park and all of a sudden you feel the intense urge to vomit. You then have to squat behind a tree to bid adieu to your Apple Jack's and Captain Crunch in front of all the tourists walking by. (Purely hypothetical story, by the way.)

5) Number five- you know you're pregnant when you look down at your belly and see this...

Babyq.com

I'm really not sure how you could mistake a baby's kicks for anything else. Sure, we've all had that dinner that didn't agree with us, but I'm pretty sure I've never felt a burrito kicking my bladder.

6) Number six- This is a pretty good one too....you know you're pregnant when co-workers and strangers on the subway exclaim, "Oh, you're pregnant! When are you due??" This is when you might want to take notice of the fact that you might not just be bloated.

7) Number seven- You know you're pregnant when your habits mirror that of a 90-year old man. You grunt while getting up, you grunt while sitting down, you grunt while putting on pants and you have to have your spouse take off your shoes.

8) Number eight- You know you're pregnant when you cry at everything. Verizon Wireless commercials normally aren't so sad.

9) Number nine- You know you're pregnant when you have to ask the person behind you to give you a big push so you can get onto the crosstown bus.

10) Number ten- You know you're pregnant when you want to take the chicken wing the person is eating next to you on the subway and smack them across the face with it because good lord that thing stinks.

NYC woman gives birth on the street

When we moved to Manhattan we immediately sold our car, and honestly, we haven't missed it at all. Sure, it's expensive to rent one in the city (we paid more than $900 for an SUV at Thanksgiving), but without a car we don't have to pay huge monthly fees to park it in a garage or fight to find street parking.

But as much as we love New York's public transportation system-- there is at least one time in your life you realize you really need a car. When you're having a baby.

I'm 7 months pregnant (today!) and people often ask when the time comes, how am I going to get to the hospital. I usually joke that we'll either hop on the cross town bus and pray for as few stops as possible, or we'll hire a bike cab and pay him extra to pedal his little heart out.

In all honesty, we'll need to catch a cab, but lord knows, when you really need one in this city, they are no where to be found. No one knows this better than Polly McCourt. She's the New York woman who gave birth on the street this week because she couldn't find a cab. Yikes! It was 3:30 in the afternoon at 68th and 3rd on the Upper East Side which is a time and location that you should be able to catch a plethora of cabs. But nope.

No cab = giving birth on the crowded street in front of a bunch of passers-by. Doesn't that sound like fun? I guess the good news is that New Yorkers are used to seeing all sorts of crazy things, so bodily fluids don't scare us.

My Fox NY

What makes this hit even closer to home is that Polly gave birth just a few blocks away from the hospital I'll be delivering in. So that means if she couldn't even make it a few blocks to that hospital, what are my chances of making it from the Upper West Side?

So I guess when we talk about a birth plan, my plan includes not giving birth on the street, in the back of a cab or on the subway. That means I'll need to work this whole "miracle of life" thing around rush hour, holidays, construction, when the cabbies take breaks and concerts in Central Park.

This might be tough.

Outback Steakhouse in Manhattan

When you ask any city dweller (who grew up in a small town or the 'burbs) what kind of food they crave most often, the answer likely won't be Thai, Sushi or Italian. They will probably tell you some generic chain restaurant like Taco Bell, Dairy Queen, Carrabba's, Taco John's, Chick-Fil-A...well, you get it.

In the four years I've lived in either New York or Chicago, I've eaten at some really amazing places. I've had filets that melt in your mouth. Pasta Carbonaras that make you cry with happiness. Sushi that tastes like it has just come off the boat.

But sometimes, a girl just wants a dirty bean burrito.

In most major cities, you won't find a ton of chain restaurants. Perhaps it's the super high rent, or the fact that people have so many other options--either way, take a look around. The food selections look a lot different than they do in Cheyenne, Wyoming or Canton, Ohio. And perhaps it's human nature that when you can't get something, you want it really, really bad.

Yesterday, Mike and I were watching an episode of 30 Rock. I was cleaning house and not paying a ton of attention, but all of a sudden when I looked up, I saw Liz Lemon and Jenna Maroney leaving an Outback Steakhouse.

Getty Images

Wait, what?? I said to Mike, "Do you think there's an Outback in New York City?"

"I don't think so."

Me: "I bet there is! Google it!"

With trembling hands, racing hearts and a silent prayer to God-- our Google search discovered the most beautiful site ever....an Outback Steakhouse right here in Manhattan.

 

Oh, you'd better believe I called immediately and got us "call ahead" seating for 7:30 pm. We practically skipped to the #1 train we were so darn excited. And yes, I made Mike take a picture of me out front. (I wonder what people thought about these funny "tourists" who were that pumped about eating at Outback.)

Thank God for that 30 Rock episode or we might never have known! See, you really can learn important stuff from TV. Oh, and the filet, blooming onion and cheese fries I had were totally worth the wait.

Sandals Royal Bahamian

Well dang, that was sure fun. Last week, Mike and I got back from our "Babymoon" in the Bahamas. We decided that since our lives are about to change BIG time, we needed a little time away to enjoy our last couple of months being footless and child-free.

A travel agent girlfriend of mine set us up with a 5-day getaway in Nassau, Bahamas at the Sandals Royal Bahamian. It was awesome! Since this will likely be our last vacation for 18 years (right?), we decided to splurge a bit and upgraded rooms to a Honeymoon Suite which included butler service. I tell you what, if you're going to go to an all-inclusive, I would highly recommend the upgrade. Cory, Mark and Thomas spoiled us by taking care of all our dinner reservations, reserving chairs and umbrellas for us at the beach, bringing us food wherever and whenever we wanted (we just called them on the cell phone they gave us), leaving us snacks in our room, turning down our bed each night, setting up spa treatments and leaving us little surprises like a hot bubble bath after dinner. 

We even joked that they must have had a GPS tracker on the cell phone because they knew just when to leave us these special treats (like the hot bath).




Along with the special treatment, one of my favorite experiences was taking the boat to Sandals' private island where Mike and I enjoyed our own cabana at the pool (reserved by the butlers, of course) before having his/her massages in a couples tiki hut. I got a pre-natal massage while Mike got a tropical one.

Hearing the ocean waves hitting the rocks while getting a back rub was one of the most relaxing experiences of my life. I loved every guilt-free second of it.
 

Here's the outside view of the massage tiki hut. Oh, and did I mention we weren't able to get cell phone or Internet service our entire vacation? It rocked. I didn't even bring my laptop so I wasn't tempted to work.

Now, I only have one question for you. If I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant, how far along do you think the guy next to me was?

 

And more importantly, do you think he'll be able to wear that speedo the entire 9 months? :-)

Robbed by hillbillies!

I've been robbed! I've been robbed by....hillbillies?

When I woke up yesterday and checked my cell phone, I had a text message from my Discover card. It said that they detected unusual activity on my account and wanted to know if I'd authorized a $637.97 charge at Walmart.com. I pressed "N" for no only because they didn't have a "Hell No" option.

Oh, and I also found out the robbers tried to make other charges at the Des Moines Inn and "1SaleADay," which is a daily deal site. I guess after a long day of hillbilly online shopping, they wanted to crash at their favorite Iowa hotel. Although I'm not exactly sure why that charge was only for $3.10. Perhaps the hotel was offering a special "January in Iowa During the Polar Vortex" deal for $3.00 a night plus tax.

But let's get back to the Wal-Mart charge. I've seen the merchandise crap they sell at Wal-Mart, so what in the heck cost $637? Did they buy they entire toy section? Or perhaps they stocked up on rifles, Cheetos, Daisy Duke shorts, Busch beer and salami? Hmm. Let's ask these Wal-Mart shoppers and see if they know...

Well, fortunately Discover quickly caught these charges so I don't think Charlene or Bubba got away with any goods. So I guess Bubba, you'll have to keep digging in your pants to see if you can find any money there because you ain't gettin' mine.

Getting pregnant at 35 versus 25

Well, that was sure fun. On January 4, my husband and I celebrated 10 years together by finding out the gender of our baby. We had an ultrasound a few days prior and had the tech write down the sex on a piece of paper. Then that night, we went out to dinner and opened the envelope. It's a boy! It was pretty darn cool. (And a surprise! We both thought we were having a girl.)

Along with our big surprise, we decided to announce the pregnancy on Facebook that night as well. Our immediate family and a few close friends knew, but that was it. The reaction we got was overwhelming...

511 likes and 189 comments! I couldn't believe it! It was almost as if I was Kim Kardashian who had just posted a post-baby selfie. At one point I said to Mike, "Do you think we'll get 500 likes?" and then boom, it happened. It's our new Facebook record.

I also told him, "You know we wouldn't have gotten this kind of response if we were 25."

See, here's the thing about announcing a pregnancy at 35...everyone is so darn excited for you. No one said it, but I'm sure many people had given up hope on us and figured we were a couple who didn't want (or couldn't have) kids.

I also got to thinking about why getting pregnant at 35 is WAY better than at 25. So here you go...my top 10 list on the advantages of waiting:

1) When I was 25, Facebook had literally just been invented that year, but it was only open to college students. That means I wouldn't have been able to post my announcement and get such great social media loving. (511 likes and 189 comments!) Likely I would have sent out a mass e-mail with about 25 percent of them shooting back to me as undeliverable because people change e-mail addresses like they change shoes.

2) By the time you're 35, your friends have more money, so let's just say it: they give better gifts. I laugh about me in my 20's when I thought the only wedding present I needed to give was me being there. Ha! No gift, just Jeannie Crofts doing the Macarena.

3) When you're 25, you still want to get dressed up and go out with your girlfriends. And let's just say, a woman tends to feel cuter in a short skirt and heels than she does wearing a belly band and maternity pants.

4) Drinking. Oh god, I miss it so. In my 20's I was simply not ready to give up alcohol.

5) By the time you have a baby at 35, you literally don't need to buy a thing. I have people coming out of the woodwork offering me cribs, strollers, bouncy seats, you name it. When I was 25, the only thing my friends could offer me is a used futon and a Barenaked Ladies CD.

6) As you get older, everything aches anyway, so the fact that I wake up with a sore back and stiff legs is nothing new. Winning!

7) We finally have good health insurance. Seriously, for the first time in my life it doesn't cost $900 to get a flu shot.

8) At 35, you have a savings account and a 401K. At 25, you have credit card debt because you really, really, really HAD to have that Kate Spade purse.

9) At 35, your husband is ready to be a dad. At 25, the only thing he's ready for are keg stands and all night poker games.

10) And finally....when I go to the doctor's office for check-ups, I'm considered to be at "advanced maternal age." I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I think it means I'm smarter.

Empty store shelves

When my husband and I worked as extras in the TV show "Chicago Fire" a couple of summers ago, we pulled an all-nighter, so the crew ordered us pizza around 2 a.m. As we stood in line, we saw person after person grab 5, 6, 7, even 8 pieces of pizza, so by the time we got to the front, there was nothing left except for a few abandoned mushrooms or chunks of cheese. With mouths watering, we watched as all those people ate 2-3 pieces max, and then trashed the rest. Some even complained about how full they were. I told my husband that if the world was ever coming to an end, we were screwed, because clearly people hoard and only look after themselves in a time of crisis.

Flash forward to the winter of 2014.

This week, I've seen photo after photo from grocery stores in Indianapolis, Chicago, Minneapolis and many other cities that are experiencing brutal winter conditions, and I'm instantly reminded of that night. It's clear that when the snow is coming, people think they need 8 pieces of pizza when they probably only need 3.  

So let's break this down. When bad weather is approaching, people always go for milk, bread and eggs. I wonder how these three items became must haves. It's like if the weather dips below -10 below, we just can't live without our morning cereal or french toast? I wonder how many of these people stocked up on bread when normally they don't do carbs.

Let's take a closer look at the empty dairy aisle. What this means is that people not only stocked up on milk, but they just HAD to have whip cream, half and half, coffee creamer, Velveeta and cream cheese?

And in the egg aisle, if they eggs were gone, they were like, "Screw it. I'll get egg beaters. This
will get me through the storm."

And in the bread aisle, if the white and wheat were gone, they made due with english muffins and onion bagels.

The sad reality is, I wonder how much of this stuff is going to end up in the garbage by the end of the week?

The next time Hercules or Zeus or some other Greek storm is bearing down on us, let's try to

remember what really matters. Like not losing power so we don't miss a minute of the Bachelor.

(Photos courtesy: Charley Hofsteadter/Chicago)