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Monday, June 27, 2011

My Ode to Telemarketers

When you work from home and have a land line telephone, there is something you realize very quickly--there are a lot of annoying people calling you during the day.

By 9 a.m. this morning, the same telemarketing company had called 5 times. 5 times! I ignored the first 3 calls, but was so annoyed by the 4th, I finally answered. (They hung up the 5th time. It was probably because I yelled, "What??" when I answered.) During the 4th call, after a long silence followed by a few seconds of music, a woman finally got on and started talking. In her "I just learned English today" voice she said she was calling because I expressed interest in a car loan. Um, excuse me? Here's the thing lady-- I didn't.

For all you telemarketers out there--I get it, you're just doing your job, but I have some advice that will make you more successful....

First, make sure you do your homework before you call. If you did your research, you'd know I'm not trying to get a car loan.  In fact, if you really knew me, you'd know I hate driving in a city so much, I try to limit my transportation to one mile every week (grocery store and back.) When I do drive, I get a racing heart, sweaty 'pits and an alter ego of a truck driver yelling obscenities at women, small children and anyone else getting in my way.

Secondly, don't lie to me. Yes, I've gotten a little tipsy before and done online shopping I don't remember the next day, but that's always been for super-cute shoes or blouses, not a loan for a Volkswagen. I'm 100% sure I never signed up for "more information on a car loan" by accident when I thought I was on the Macy's website. "Oops! I didn't mean to check car loans, I meant Jessica Simpson ballet flats."

Third, don't keep calling me. Don't you remember that guy you had a huge crush on in middle school, but you kept calling, so then he thought you were desperate? Same rules apply now.

Fourth, don't act like you're not there when I finally answer. Just because I answer with an annoyed voice, I'm actually getting more annoyed when I can hear you breathing but you don't say anything.

Finally, don't call me, I'll call you!! If I'm interested in your car or health insurance, donating blood or money, or adopting a pet or small child, I'll let ya know.

Thank you.

P.S. Yes, I'm on the National Do Not Call Registry--so (322) 432-6765 and (584) 514-8365-- you've been reported, suckers!

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