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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Perhaps the weirdest book out there

For one of my Bachelorette parties, I got this book called "101 Ways To Torture Your Husband." I expected it to be a light-hearted book about how to playfully joke with, or tease your hubbie. I left it on our ottoman, and when Mike picked it up and read some of it, he was shocked. He asked me, "What is this crap you're reading?." I said it was no big deal, but when I started reading it, I too, was disturbed.

The author offers up seriously awful ways to indeed torture your husband. I'm not quite sure how she doesn't get sued and/or a ton of hate mail. Considering I once got an e-mail from a woman who said she hated my brown sweater so much, she now considered me kind of "trashy". (Keep in mind it was from Target and really conservative. Weird.)

Here are some suggestions in this book...
(Beware, what you're about to read is disturbing)
* "Lose" His Dog- The author, Maria Garcia Kalb, suggests you call your hubby, and in a panicked voice say, "Oh my god! The dog ran away when I opened the door, and I can't find him anywhere!" She says after he flips out, you can let him in the joke, and laugh about it. (Weird, and not at all funny to me. You?)

* "Flirt With His Friends"- The author says this is a great punishment for any "jealous" fella, but should probably be reserved as payback for something he did, like hitting on one of your friends. She even breaks it down into steps, like you should first decide which of your husband's friends is the hottest. (I don't think Mike would be impressed, and that might cause us to have the shortest marriage on record. Not counting Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman, of course.)

* "Threaten to 'get him' in his sleep"- The author thinks the ball will definitely be in your court if you play mind games with your husband, such as saying, "Just wait until you fall asleep; you have no idea what I could do to you." She advises to scare the bejesus out of him and tell him you're going to get him after he drifts off. (Considering I watch every crime show, Forensic File and CSI, this would really scare Mike.) The author does includes little side notes about real-life warnings about crimes involving these scenarios. Apparently a Florida woman is locked up because she poured hot grease on her sleeping husband. Ouch.

* "Have lunch with your ex"- Kalb says a surefire way of torturing your husband is eating with your ex-boyfriend because it will make your husband "crazier than Mel Gibson on a bender." The author admits she keeps a couple of exes around, not because she likes them, she says they actually repulse her, but she feels like it's good ammunition.

* "Nair His Hair"-Kalb recommends you "pounce" when your hubbie is asleep, applying hair removal products "liberally" to his face, legs, arms, chest, or wherever is hair is present.

Okay, okay, so you get the idea. There are 96 other suggestions in this book, which I think should be re-named, "101 Ways to Get Divorced Quickly, Threatened Often and Arrested Too."

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